sex

First, Kiss My Ass

 

Let’s just get right into it, shall we? So, as some of you may already know, I was a bit of a late bloomer. I’ve spent most of my life looking a lot like this:CPJx_Q0WwAEQnCT

Needless to say, I kind of missed out on having high school boyfriends and things like that. I was always just doing my own thing! It was great! In my time not having any boyfriends I learned a ton of life skills! Like being able to recite the 50 states in alphabetical order in under 17 seconds! (For the record, I did it in 15 seconds once in college when I was drunk off gin but I haven’t been able to touch that time since.) I also learned how to wiggle my ears and flare my nostrils. I can make a muscle with my tongue. And I can rap all of It Was A Good Day by Ice Cube. Really all the quality things you need to succeed in life! No regrets.

Today I’m writing about kisses. My first kiss to be exact. See, it’s funny—I watched a TON of Disney Channel growing up. 80bf16273dc97199274fe8de782a6828I learned what a first kiss should be like from Lizzie McGuire and Mia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, PrinCESS of Genovia. Your foot should “pop,” there should be fireworks, or maybe someone would even tell me, “you shine like the light from the sun.”

I was brainwashed by all the sappy shit. I was ready. Sadly, high school came and went with still no kisses. You are reading this correctly—I had my first kiss in college. *Insert angel emoji here.*

So yeah, there I was in college without a first kiss. I used to think about that movie Never Been Kissed and I just thought to myself as long as I didn’t get as old as Drew Barrymore’s character without being kissed, I would be all good.

The night of my first kiss was a weird one. I was out with friends having a grand ole time, drinking some gin, smiling, dancing—it was great. When all of a sudden, an equally drunk friend comes over and attempts to kiss me while I had a full on smile on my face. It was a second or two of lip to teeth action. Granted my teeth are pretty nice, I’d kiss them too. But in my intoxicated mind, this counted as my first kiss. But my foot didn’t pop, there were no fireworks, and no one told me I shine like the light from the sun!

I’m not going to lie to you, I cried. BUT I BLAME THE GIN! WAY TOO MUCH GIN! Funny thing, gin, isn’t it? Something so beautiful and pure as gin can give you wonderful things like a personal record for reciting the 50 states in alphabetical order, but it can also give you tears when your foot doesn’t “pop.”

Rest assured folks, I’ve been making up for lost time. Don’t feel bad for me, I’ve gotten plenty of kisses and popping in since then. (AAAYYYYEEEE!) But that’s a story for another time.

 

I’m sorry mom,

Blog On Fleek

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Love Me Tinder

I know what you’re thinking, “Victoria, you’re late to the Tinder game. This is old news.”

That is where you’re wrong, my friend. That is where you’re very wrong. For me, this was a long time coming. It’s time I share my story.

You see, it all started over a year ago. It was November. I first downloaded Tinder when two of my friends kept talking about it. I was down in the dumps for, ya know, reasons… for, ya know, boy reasons. But that’s not important. Anyway, I figured HEY, I literally have nothing to fucking lose and I need a good laugh.

I downloaded Tinder. I picked out pictures that made me look fun, my teeth look whiter, my hair look prettier.

It was all a joke to me. So much so that I actually made my bio read, “just make me laugh, dammit!” The results were actually hilarious:

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Sometimes poets are found in the least likely of places


 

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Dropped some knowledge on Jordan


 

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I desperately needed a hobby


 

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Gus would do anything for love


 

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IT’S NOT A LONG WALK IF YOU’RE ON A FOUR WHEELER, JOSHUA


 

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I’m not


 

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I don’t know, Reaves, what IF we found out we were cousind?


 

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Norris? More like BORE-iss, AMMIRIGHT?


 

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Turns out Max was a real animal lover


 

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Tyler was just looking for a booty call


 

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Marc was looking for answers that I just didn’t have


 

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Gross


 

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Nothing coherent happens on Tinder after 2am


 

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That’s my dream date, in fairness


 

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DAMN RIGHT YOU DID, SEAN


 

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Liam and Hank are probably married now, shitting on each other’s chests and cumming in each other’s ears. Just call me a modern day Cupid.


 

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Still awaiting an answer from Timothy


 

 

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Michael came on a little too strong


 

 

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I don’t get it


 

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still recovering


 

Needless to say, none of these “matches” were actual matches. Personally, I’ve outgrown Tinder. But I’m glad I have these little screenshots to look back on. I’m thankful for my time on Tinder. I’ve talked to so many characters. It’s basically the virtual equivalent of standing outside of a club, talking to the drunk smokers at 3am. Sometimes people are dicks, sometimes people are nice but incredibly dull, sometimes people are somewhere in between. And then there are people who will straight-up confess to being full-on rapists.

You know…I did eventually meet up with someone from Tinder.

He actually murdered me. I am writing to you from beyond the grave.


Rest In Peace,

Victoria, Blog On Fleek