winter

Mother Nature, You Frigid Bitch

Winter, this winter in particular, is absolutely unbearable. The older I get and the more I have to drive, the more I fucking despise snow. It used to be all fun, games, talking snowmen, and hot chocolate. Well guess what? A talking snowman killed my whole family, and hot chocolate will rot your teeth out of your head.

I fucking hate winter and everything about it.

I hate that you can almost always see my nipples through my shirt.

I hate bringing a guy home and in the heat of the moment having to explain, “oh, that? I swear that’s just dry skin.”

I hate waking up in the morning and looking outside to see my world covered in 3 inches of Satan’s dandruff– just enough to make a morning commute miserable, but not enough for your boss to let you take the day.

I hate having to shovel out my car. How is it that shoveling always leaves you sore in places you didn’t even think could be sore?

I hate that today was 25° and someone described the weather to me as being “balmy”

That’s another thing: there’s nothing I find more unpleasant than small talk about the weather. It makes me want to act out Caravaggio’s “Judith Beheading Holofernes” on the poor soul who tries to tell me how cold and windy it is.

But, no, nothing compares to this next part: the fact that this snow will one day melt, seemingly overnight, and transform the world into one big toilet full of next-morning beer shits. The more snow, the more mud I have to walk through to get to my car, and have you seen how much snow is out there?! I haven’t seen this much white stuff since my buddy Dave’s 23rd birthday party! Dave, you crazy fuck!!

But anyway, after all that mud comes spring. Ah, spring. My eyes will itch, my nose will run, and I will misplace my umbrella at least twice a week.

But everyone knows that spring is just a gateway drug to summer.

Ah, summer, my ass will sweat, my skin will burn, and I’ll spend my nights attempting to get the water out of my ears. Oh, how I hate summer.

What we’ve learned: I fucking hate everything.
Unrelated side note: I may never find love.